When Disappointment and God’s Goodness Collide

Do you ever feel like you have no right to express disappointment – no matter how big or small –  because of the blessings and wonderful things in your life?  Me, too.

I have so much I’m grateful for. I have a job I’m passionate about, I have an incredible community of friends that I get to do life with, and I have a loving family that I know would have my back in a split second. I’m also living in the same city as my best friend of 33 years – a dream come true. I’m a part of a wonderful, healthy church that lives out a culture of honor while simultaneously speaking and teaching the truth in love. I get to enjoy the financial freedom of singleness to give generously and invest in things like dance lessons, a robust wardrobe, as well as vacations. And yet there’s this deep cry in me for something more – specifically a husband I can experience the ups and downs of life with and children of our own (including all the messiness and hard work that comes along with a family).

Getting Real

My reality, however, is that I am not married, and I’m facing a health challenge that could threaten my ability to conceive, carry and birth children of my own. A trip to the ER, two CT scans, and several consultations with a few specialists all led to the conclusion that my uterus is enlarged due to fibroid tumors – causing a host of other symptoms. The good news is that fibroid tumors are rarely cancerous. I was offered the option of surgery, but the tumors were so large, the doctor suggested I take medication to shrink the fibroids and then perform the surgery to remove the tumors. Even then, he couldn’t guarantee I would be able to carry a child.

After prayerful consideration and learning more about alternative treatments for my condition, I decided to pursue this more natural route to shrink the fibroids: vegan-based enzyme blend supplements, a strict diet, regular exercise and a detox from heavy metals. I’ve given up many of my favorite foods – coffee, chocolate, refined sugar, baked goods, cheese, ice cream (is anyone else drooling right now?) – and the ease of fast food. In the process of my new regiment, my stomach lining was compromised from the supplements causing symptoms that mimicked an ulcer – turns out sometimes the supplements are good at shrinking fibroids, but not so easy on the stomach. So just two months in, I had to put a pause on taking the supplements until my stomach healed. In addition to completely revamping my lifestyle, I’ve asked God to heal me many times, and have received prayer for healing. Yet the symptoms persist, and I’ve not seen full healing manifest in my body yet. I’m disappointed – honestly, it all feels like a punch in the gut, and I’m still trying to catch my breath. My reality includes these intense pain points, but having the courage to acknowledge and voice my disappointment about them escaped me for a while because overall – life IS pretty wonderful.

Confronting My Old Ways

I’m a recovering stuffer. For the majority of my life, I liked to stuff pain, rawness, suffering, discomfort, disappointment and anything that felt wrong to me. If what I was experiencing didn’t produce feelings of happiness or positivity, I decided I had no space to give it time and attention. Instead I pretended that all was well and would hide behind a platitude that God is good, all the time believing that saying “God is good” was enough to cover the pain and make everything better. This pretense deceived even me – I did not see or realize that I was stuffing my pain and disappointment. I’ve cried plenty in my life, so the thought that anything was amiss escaped me. I learned that crying and taking a journey through pain are two very different things. Avoiding was how I coped, because I didn’t know any better. So I stuffed the pain deep down in the recesses of my being. As I’ve learned to embrace my emotions, process them, and address them, I’ve seen that the quickest way to the other side of pain is through it. And it’s quite rewarding on the other side.

It wasn’t until a few Sundays ago that I had the courage to acknowledge and confront my most recent pain and disappointments. It came when I was challenged directly with the goodness of God as I listened to my pastor describe His character as a good Father who has beautiful gifts for us even in the areas of our disappointments. What happens when God’s goodness and disappointment collide? Let me tell you!

Encountering God’s Goodness

When I heard my pastor say that God cares about every disappointment – the big and the small ones – it was such a great reminder to me that it’s healthy and good for me to acknowledge my disappointments and feel ALL of my feelings even when most everything in life is going well. I determined I would face my pain that same day. That wasn’t the easiest decision because even though I’ve been on a journey toward emotional health, I can’t say I’ve settled into a rhythm of processing my pain in a healthy way. I’m still breaking out of old habits and growing in this area. What happened next still boggles my mind.

That afternoon, I went on a hike with my friend. I was telling her how what our pastor said had resonated with me and also was openly sharing my disappointments with her…to the point I was actually crying while we hiked and asking all of the questions in my mind and heart. I was truly feeling ALL of my feelings.

As we approached a steep hill, I saw there were people coming up it from the opposite direction, so I waited for them to pass by at the top of the hill since the path was narrow. I had gathered my composure a bit, but am sure I still had tears glistening in my eyes and was probably not looking approachable in the least bit. Suddenly, one of two men coming up the hill looked up at me and did a double take. I heard him say in wonder to me, “Hey – look at beautiful you.” He kept looking at me as if he was so pleasantly surprised to see me there. Mind you, I had never seen him before. This was not a reconnection – we had never met until now. When he reached the top of the hill, he said, “Give me a hug!” I was shocked and wondered if it was okay to hug this perfect stranger in Covid-19 times, but in a split second I decided it was. So we hugged briefly and I told him, “Thank you!” His reply was, “Amen!” And then he walked on.

I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I giggled just thinking about it as I took my next steps on the hike. At the perfect time, when I was being vulnerable before God and my friend about my disappointments, God provided this man to see me and hug me. I believe God was showing me His tender heart toward me in that moment and meeting me in a very personal way through a perfect stranger. Whether the man was an angel or a believer who was so in tune with God’s heart he was simply flowing as the Spirit moved him, I don’t know. I do know it was a God-encounter for me, and that it sent a strong message of safety, comfort, and a beautiful reminder that I’m not alone or forgotten. It was so kind of Him to meet me in such a tangible and powerful way in the midst of expressing my pain. It was as if God was affirming and even rewarding me for choosing to press in to my disappointments and process them in the company of a trusted friend. I was not expecting that.

Learning a New Way

I’m learning that God doesn’t ask us to ignore our disappointments, He just asks us to put them in the right place – acknowledging them but not giving them more weight than they deserve. I don’t want them to remain buried where they will fester, but I also don’t want them to drive my thoughts, decisions and actions. His promises are so much more powerful, beautiful and vibrant than our current negative circumstances.

I love the story of how God showed up for Abraham. If you’re not familiar with the story, he and his wife were childless for MANY years, but in their old age, God opened Sarah’s womb and she conceived. I find it interesting that in the waiting, Abraham contemplated his reality while keeping his faith. The Scripture says this about him, “without becoming weak in faith he contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah’s womb.” He faced his reality and yet he held on in faith to the promise God had given him many years prior. Abraham had every worldly reason to partner with unbelief, but he trusted in God’s character to be faithful to perform His promise more than he focused on his current circumstances. In Romans chapter 4, it says that God calls into being that which does not exist. This story tells me that my circumstances must concede to God’s Word. And if He hasn’t spoken yet, He still can. Who am I to give up when God never does?

Do I know how my story ends? No, I’m in the messy middle. Do I have some promises I’m clinging to? Absolutely. So the question is – am I going to pay more attention to the circumstances I’m in than the promises God has given me? Will I have more respect for the thought that things may not work out for me? Or will I have more respect for the kind intentions of God toward me? Today, I’m choosing to be confronted by the goodness of God that challenges my circumstances rather than allow my circumstances to challenge His goodness. In other words, today I’m choosing to put more weight in His faithfulness than in my disappointing circumstances. Ask me how I’m doing with this tomorrow, because we humans tend to forget things. A reminder every now and again is incredibly helpful.

Care to Join Me?

So friend, maybe you have a few hidden and buried disappointments, too. I get it. Our emotions are always trying to tell us something – that doesn’t mean that what we’re feeling is actually true, nor does it mean our feelings are bad. It does mean we can learn a great deal about what’s at the core of that feeling though. 

Sometimes the root cause is a sneaky belief that actually isn’t true. A great example is me believing that saying “God is good” would sort out all my complex emotions and make everything better. Now I understand that yes, God is good in my most disappointing moments of life as well as my most joyous moments. I also understand that facing my pain head on allows me to move forward unencumbered by the heaviness of my disappointments, giving me the power to acknowledge my pain points and yet not allow them to consciously or subconsciously derail how I live life. 

Processed pain makes space for joy and rest. Emotions really do make great teachers if we let them. If you choose to pull them out, examine them, and grieve whatever needs to be grieved, I believe Papa God will meet you in a tangible way, too. It probably won’t look exactly like my encounter – it will probably be even better, because I’m certain He will tailor it to you. Why not give it a try? At minimum, you’ll likely gain some peace and clarity of mind.